Ways to Annoy,Harass and Confuse the Cast of WITCH
by strayphoenix
Summary: A continuation to '35 to Annoy,Scare,or Generally Confuse Phobos! From Guardians to rebels to villians, fifteen sure fire ways to get yourselves killed or at least seriously wounded. Includes a side story called 'Thought Process'. ON HIATUS
1. Will and Irma

This story is the mental baby of strayphoenix and Cornelia Claire Chase with assistance from Stray's brother White X-Slayer.

_**Will**_  
Repeatedly insist that she likes Caleb

Ask her if you can see the Heart of Candracar every 5 minutes

Ask why her astral drop is so stupid

Imply it might have something to do with its creator

Tell her you can see why she likes frogs so much then don't tell her why

Tell her Mr. Collins will send her away to military school after marrying Susan

Show the other Guardians her baby pictures

Get 'Beat of My Heart' by Hilary Duff stuck in her head.

Buy her a Mrs. Huggles so she has to deal with two psychotic dormice

Tell her Aldarn has a crush on her

Tell her Drake has a crush on her

Tell her Phobos has a crush on her

Tell her Cedric has a crush on her

Spread a rumor that she likes Caleb

After Cornelia kicks her butt, insist it was Blunk who started it

_**Irma**_  
Keep asking why she's such a flirt

Keep insisting that there is major chemistry between her and Martin

Ask her every 5 minutes if she could get you some water

Get 'She's My Kind of Rain' by Tim McGraw stuck in her head

Tell Chris how to open her diary

Tell her Aldarn has a crush on her

Tell her Drake has a crush on her

Tell her Phobos has a crush on her

Tell her Cedric has a crush on her

Insist that she has crushes on all of them

Tease that she's got a crush on Vance Michael Justin

Be sure to mention Cornelia does too

Spread a rumor that she likes Matt

Tell Will where she's hiding when she comes to kick her butt

Then insist that it was Cedric who started it**

* * *

**

_THOUGHT PROCESS  
Chapter 1_

**Strayphoenix:** (snickers as she is emailing Cornelia Claire Chase with more ways to annoy WITCH) That's so awesome and then we can...  
**Whitexslayer:** (enters room) Um, Stray?  
**Stray:** (rolls eyes) I'm kind of busy finding ways to torture my favorite WITCH characters, bro.  
**Slayer:** (nervously) hehe...About that...there are seven canon characters, four series original characters and a large pissed off reptile waiting at the door  
**Stray:** Damn they're quick. Oh well. (snaps laptop shut, opens hatch in the floor) To the bomb/flames shelter! (dives in)  
**Slayer:** (peeks head into bomb/flames shelter) You have a bomb shelter?  
**Stray:** (from inside) A bomb/**flames** shelterThis happens a lot more than you would think. Please close the hatch  
**Slayer:** (sighs and closes hatch then goes to door where angry WITCH mob awaits with torches and pitchforks) She's um...out  
**Cornelia:** Damn these accursed fanfiction writers and their bomb/flames shelters!  
**Irma:** (powers up) I could flood her out  
**Aldarn:** But then we'll never find out what happens to my sister with the freaky voice and strange sounding name!  
**Other Characters:** (murmur in agreement)  
**Caleb:** (dramatic Arnold Schwarzenegger voice to Slayer )We will spare her this time. But if she ever tries to turn us on each other with that stupid rumors thing...  
**Slayer:** (raises eyebrows) That wasn't stray. That was her co-writer, Claire.  
**Will:** (evil sideways glance) Really? ...  
**Dramatic** **Music**: (plays)

With **Claire**:

**Cornelia** **Claire** **Chase**: (smiles at computer while emailing stray more ways we  
can torture Witch) That's awesome! Another thing we could do to...  
**Sun (friend)**: (coming into room) Um...yeah, there's an angry mob of characters outside  
the door looking for you.  
**Claire**: Crap! Not again. To the escape pod to LOST Island! (Escape pod pops up  
out of nowhere shuts laptop and gets up)  
**Sun**: (staring at escape pod) Since when did you get an escape pod installed in  
here?  
**Claire**: Ever since Stray got a bomb/fire shelter. Come with me if you want to  
live and help us torture the characters more!  
**Sun**: Somebody's got to get rid of them  
**Claire**: Good point. Once they're gone, just summon the escape pod to LOST  
Island! (gets in escape pod with laptop, door shuts, and she's off to LOST  
Island!)  
**Sun**: (goes to door where mob awaits) Um...she's not here right now.  
**Cornelia**: Remind me to add escape pods to LOST Island to the list of damned and  
accursed items.  
**Aldarn**: So, we'll just go find this "LOST Island" and do away with her!  
**Cornelia**: Two problems with that: 1. No one knows where the hell or _what_ the hell LOST Island is!? and 2. Then, we'll never find out whether or not we defeat Phobos again, what happens with me and Caleb, and if he gets rescued or not!  
**Other** **Characters** (**even** **Phobos**): (murmur in agreement again)  
**Aldarn**: Gr. Curse you fanfiction writers for writing such good stories that we  
get hooked into reading!  
**Phobos**: Well, she won't get so lucky again if she continues to do things to me  
and blame Cedric and the others for it.  
**Sun**: (raises eyebrows) That wasn't Claire. That was Stray.  
**All** **characters**: (look at each other)  
**Vathek**: (very heroic and determined) To Stray's!  
**Irma**: (sigh) I have a feeling this will never end.


	2. Taranee and Cornelia

_**Taranee**_

Take pictures of her while she's sleeping and put them on the internet  
Ask her to conjure up a flame so you can roast marshmallows  
Tell her Aldarn has a crush on her  
Tell her Drake has a crush on her  
Tell her Phobos has a crush on her  
Tell her Cedric has a crush on her  
Tell her in guardian form that her hair looks like a giant spider that's going to eat her  
Have her heat your bath because it's 'energy efficient'  
Insist that she has the 'hots' for Frost (WS: Pun! Haha! SP: (whack))  
Drag her to a Pyromaniacs Anonymous meeting  
Get 'Burn Baby Burn' stuck in her head  
Hit her with a high pressurized hose  
Insist you thought she was on fire  
Spread a rumor that she likes Uriah  
Tell her Miranda started it

_**Cornelia**_  
Spread a rumor that she's not really a blonde  
Hide her ice skates  
Get her a list of all of Caleb's old girlfriends  
Tell her Aldarn has a crush on her  
Tell her Drake has a crush on her  
Tell her Phobos has a crush on her  
Tell her Cedric has a crush on her  
Tell her Caleb is cheating on her with Elyon  
Then insist you heard it from Blunk  
Set her up on a date with Cedric  
Shut off her alarm clock  
Remind her repeatedly of episodes "A is for Anonymous" through "E is for Enemy"  
Get the song "Call Me When You're Sober" stuck in her head.  
Consistently taunt that you know who likes her  
Then refuse to tell her

* * *

THOUGHT PROCESS CHAPTER 2

On Lost Island  
CLAIRE: (sits typing on her computer on a beach as Stray staggers to shore from the ocean. Shuts laptop) Good grief! What happened to you?

Stray: (splutters out sea water) Well, after I got your e-mail that they were coming back for me, I figured LOST island was a safer place to be. I had Slayer distract them long enough so I could get to the Pacific Ocean and I started swimming since I don't happen to have an escape pod.

CLAIRE: (raises eyebrows) What kind distraction is that long?

Stray: (sitting down next to CLAIRE) He's explaining to the Metamoorians what a computer is.

CLAIRE: (laughs) I would've loved to see Caleb's face!

Stray: Me too! That's why I sent you the pictures!

CLAIRE: Sweet! (goes through e-mails to get pictures) Say, how did you find the island anyway?

Stray: I kinda forgot that LOST Island was…well…_lost_. So I swam around in random circles until I was completely disoriented and this island appeared on the horizon. Simple as that.

CLAIRE: (still going through e-mail) Go figure. I'm gonna give you the number of my escape pod installer

Stray: u roc!

CLAIRE: Think they're still at it?

_Elsewhere…  
_Slayer: So then this is a mouse. It has clickers and a ball thingie on the bottom that helps it move and…

Caleb: (observes it closely) That looks nothing like a mouse.

Vathek: (right behind Caleb) It looks like weird rock

Phobos: (right behind Vathek) It looks like something that stupid Passling would eat

Blunk: (licks lips) Someone say mousie?

Slayer: (under breath) Stray owes me so bad… (regular voice) And then it connects to the CPU which is this big thing over here—

Guardians; (in unison) WE HAVE TO LEAVE!!

Aldarn: (ignoring them) That would make a good bludgeon. Is it good for throwing? Can I throw it?

Slayer: If you've got four hundred bucks you can tap dance on it

Aldarn: SWEET!

Cornelia: (grabs Caleb by the collar and drags him out the door)

Irma: (grabs Drake by the collar and drags him out the door)

Taranee, Matt, Blunk, and Cedric: (grab Vathek and drag him out the door)

Will: (grabs Phobos by the collar and drags him out the door)

Hay Lin: (grabs Aldarn by the collar and drags him out the door)

Any characters I haven't mentioned by name: (follow)

Slayer: (calling) Come back again sometime muttering perhaps when I'm not here? Or even better, when I'm DEAD?

Else Elsewhere…  
Sun: (flipping through channels on TV in CLAIRE's house stops on a Gilligan's Island episode) Cool! Gilligan's Island!

Gilligan: (walking along a beach) Gee, Skipper, I don't think we'll ever get off this Island.

Skipper: (walking with him) I know little buddy but---

Gilligan and Skipper: (stop suddenly as they find themselves staring at the backs of CLAIRE and Stray on the laptop)

Skipper and Sun: HOLY SHIT!

CLAIRE and Stray: (turn around and stare at Gilligan and Skipper who stare back)

Stray: (to CLAIRE) Dude, fire your escape pod installer.

Claire: (blinks) Um...how about the escape pod to Australia?

Stray: Did you just miss the fact that your installer sent you to GILLIGAN'S  
Island instead of LOST Island?

Claire: No, this one was by a different company. Honestly, who would think to  
look for us in Down Under?

Gilligan: (raises hand) Certainly not me!

On LOST Island...  
Drake: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN"T SEEN TWO TEENAGE GIRLS WITH LAPTOPS!

Kate: (blinks at Drake) Um...

Sawyer: Well, Jar Jar, I think the question is what the hell are you and why do you care if we've seen to two teenage girls with laptops?

Drake: (stares at Sawyer) Uh...

Hay Lin: He's not Jar Jar Binks, he's from...hopefully another planet?

Hurley: Yeah, right. We're supposed to believe that he's from another world. What's he supposed to be? (points at Phobos) Evil Prince of this "other world"

Phobos: (hands glow with evil power revenge) How dare you, you insubordinate...

Will: (shoots a bolt of lightening at Phobos, which stops his revenge) Listen, believe it or not, it's true. We're TV show/comic book characters who are being tortured mercilessly by two teenage girls who happen to be fan fiction writers!

Claire: (blinks, then leans over to Charlie, whispers) They should go hide in Australia. No one will ever find them there!

Cedric: (hears what Claire says) Where is this Australia? (leans closer to her  
and looks really evil)

Charlie: Back off! Claire, take Turnip Head with you and go!

Taranee: Turnip Head?

Hurley: Claire's baby.

Cornelia: Why are we just standing here? You heard the woman! To Australia!

In Australia...  
C: (watches TV intently, which happens to be LOST) Damn! How'd Claire figure  
out we were hiding in Australia?!

Stray: I have no idea. I don't even watch that show!

C: Gr. Fine then, we'll just use the escape pod to the set of House, MD! No one  
will find us there...and if any of these rather cool Australians spill that  
we're on the set (both wink at a particularly cute one passing by with a surfboard), someone's going to be lizard chow!

(Stray & C go through escape pod to set of House, MD)

Few seconds later...  
Aldarn: Damn it! We missed them, yet again!

Will: Where else could they have gone?

Cornelia: (thoughtfully) Canada?

Phobos: Honestly, who would hide in Canada? You could pick them out easily...  
it's just so diabolical that it might work!

Hay Lin: To Canada!


	3. Hay Lin and Caleb

Hay Lin  
Tell her Eric's really in the witness protection program  
His real name is 'Cynthia'  
Tell her Aldarn has a crush on her  
Tell her Drake has a crush on her  
Tell her Phobos has a crush on her  
Tell her Cedric has a crush on her  
Hide her goggles  
Pair her with Blunk on missions  
Tell her she looks like Dr. Yang in Grey's Anatomy  
Tape record her snoring  
Get "Fly Like an Eagle" stuck in her head  
Hide her comic books  
Get her a _Hermaneuta _beast for Christmas  
Spread a rumor that she likes Mr. Collins  
Then insist Irma started it

Caleb  
Constantly taunt that you know who likes him  
Then refuse to tell him  
Have him watch the LOTR trilogy  
Be sure to point out all the parallels to his own life  
Suggest a Hugh Jackman haircut  
Tell him that Aldarn, Drake, Phobos, and Cedric all have a crush on Cornelia  
Then tell him after he's kicked their butts that you were confusing Cornelia  
with another Guardian  
Run away fast when he goes to kick _your_ butt  
Inform his he has a long lost sister. Thirteen of them.  
Make him tye-dye shirts.  
Call him a 'Flower Child'  
Ask him every 5 minutes why he likes Cornelia  
Get "Soul Rebel" by Bob Marley stuck in his head.  
Spread a rumor that he's cheating on Cornelia with Elyon  
Insist that Blunk started the rumor

* * *

**_Thought Process Chapter 3_**

**With Stray & Claire...  
**  
(gets out of escape pod)

Stray: So, what exactly is House about?

Claire: It's a medical show where the main character is a pill popping ass.

Stray: (nods) Okay then.

(Both stand there for a moment as people pass by. Jesse Spencer/Dr. Robert Chase walks by)

Claire: OMG! It's Chase!!

Stray: (suspicious glance) Is that where you got the "Chase" part of your name?

Claire: (nervous look) Maybe...Chase! (runs after Jesse/Chase)

Stray: Hey, if I can't get her to leave, maybe I'll just bring him up...(runs after her)

**In dark cave in Canada...  
**  
Drake: (sarcastically) Sure they're hiding in Canada. Maybe next time, we'll go look in Russia!?

(Everyone looks suspiciously at Drake)

Taranee: How do you know what Russia is?

Drake: WS had something about Russia up on that computer thing.

Cornelia: Phobos, stop trying to kiss me!

(Sound of Caleb drawing his sword)

Phobos: It's not me! I don't like you like that!

Irma: Cedric?

Cedric: (from over by Hay Lin (opposite end of cave from C)) I'm over here, you idiot!

Cornelia: THEN WHO KEEPS TRYING TO KISS ME?!

T: (conjures up ball of light)

All except the attempted kisser: Saywer?!

Sawyer: (grins sheepishly)

Aldarn: What the hell are you doing here? Are you following us? (draws sword,as well as Drake, to back up Caleb)

Sawyer: Who wants to know, Witch King?

Meridianites: (blink in confusion)

Hay Lin: (groan) He's not from Lord of the Rings either!

Irma: Are you following us or not?!

Sawyer: Had to see if this one would try to get Sticks' inhalers back.

All but Sawyer: (blink in confusion)

Sawyer: (goes to kiss Cornelia)

Caleb: (shoves Sawyer away) Back off! She's mine!

Cornelia: Will, send him back to LOST Island.

Will: (teletransports S back to LOST Island)

**On LOST Island...  
**  
Sawyer: (realizing where he is) Damn it! Almost got away from Bear Village!

**In the Canadian Cave...**

Vathek: Now where do we go?

All but Taranee: (ponder the question)

Taranee: Guys? They're in there. (points)

All: (look outside of cave which is in mountain overlooking House Hospital)

Cedric: Wow. You're scary good.

Phobos: Yeah, how'd you know? Telepathy?

Taranee: (rolls eyes and points at escape pod crashed into the back of the building)

Phobos: Or that.

**Inside Hospital…**

Stray: (pulling) Claire! Get off him! He needs that shirt!

Claire: (straining) …just…one…button…!

Chase: House! Give me a hand here!

Claire: (drops Chase on his butt) (excited) House?

Stray: (spots W.I.T.C.H. and Co. coming in through front door) RUN! (grabs Claire and they take off down the hall)

Claire: But-but-but Chase!!!!

Stray: (grabs business card as they run by desk) Here's his cell.

Claire: Why didn't I think of that?

With W.I.T.C.H. and Co…

Caleb: There they are! Get them!

All but Irma: (take off running after them)

Irma: (helping Chase up, flips hair over shoulder Cornelia-style) Well, hey Good Looking.

Chase: Um…help?  
Hay Lin: (returning) Irma! What are you doing! We almost have them!

Irma: C'mon, cut me some slack! I don't get a decent boyfriend until the fourth story arc!

People who haven't read comics beyond issue 22: (blink in cunfuzzlement)

WS: (at computer, acting as Stray's beta because her last four quit) That is **_so_** not a real word…

Hay Lin: (grabs Irma) Let's go!

**Hiding in some random closet…**

Stray: That was a close one! They almost had us!

Claire: (purring over business card) Chaaaase…my preciooouuus…

Stray: Will you put that away! We are in a crisis!

Claire: There's no crisis! I'll just summon an escape pod to—

Stray: (cuts her off) Oh no. Escape pods are starting to give me ulcers.

Claire: What's an ulcer? (springs to her feet) I'll go ask Chase!

Stray: (pulls her back down) Sit. Stay.

(Stray pulls out cell phone and hits a speed dial button)

Anonymous voice with German accent: Ja? Helo?

Stray: (sing-song voice) Guess who owes me a faAavor!

Anonymous voice: Oh jhit.

**Just outside this random closet…**

Cornelia: Thanks a lot, Irma! Now we lost them!

Cedric: And what's worse is that we have no idea where they're going next!

Taranee: Well, we've exhausted all of Claire's possible universes from her penname.

Aldarn: But where the hell is stray or phoenix from?

Drake: (smelling the air) Oh gross! What is that smell!

Vathek: (holds hands up in surrender) Wasn't me!

Hay Lin: That smells just like brimstone…(realizes) I think I know where they're going!

**The Xavier Institute for Gifted Children…**

Stray: (teleporting in with Nightcrawler and Claire) Thanks for the save, dude.

Nightcrawler: Vhat are friends vor? (turns away and speaks hurriedly into walkie talkie) Everyvone, ve have a Code 22! I repeat, ve have a **CODE 22**! This is not a drill!

Numerous X-Men rush down the stairs: OMG! A Code 22!

Shadowcat: (stopping halfway) Wait. Like, what's a Code 22?

Cyclops: It's an attack on the Institute!

Storm: I thought it was a Phoenix resurrection!

Wolverine: I thought it meant someone restocked the beer.

Rogue: I thought it was a musical episode! (all including Claire and Stray stare)…It could happen…

Stray: (rolling her eyes) Code 22 is fanfiction authors, guys.

All notice Stray: Oh…hi Stray.

Claire: Right, so, where are we and why do they know you?

Stray: We're in X-Men Evolution Universe.

Claire: Like the movie? …that I, um, haven't watched?

Stray: No, like the 2000s TV show. It the least complicated X-Men universe out of all four comic universes and three televised universes so I figured it was the one that would least fry your brain.

Claire:…You need a boyfriend.

Stray: I couldn't agree with you more. (saunters up to Scott and bats eyelashes)

Scott: (backs away) Sorry, no can do. Jean's due to come back from the dead in a couple of hours.

Stray: Darn it! I knew we should have gone to the Age of Apocalypse universe!

**In Hell…**

**…No, seriously…**

Weird Man: **WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO YOUR _DOOM_**!

Aldarn: I loathe your guts Hay Lin.

Hay Lin: What? They could be here…

Taranee: Um, who the hell are you?

Weird Man: Sadam Hussein!

Caleb: What happened to Satan?

Sadam: He hit the road when he found out I was heading down.

Will: Um…sure…(cough) Have you seen two teenage girls with laptops?

Sadam: I've seen thousands! In fact, my predecessor invented the laptop because of population decline!

Will:…

Irma: (meanwhile, sees someone pass by) Hey, isn't that the girl from Dirty Dancing?

Woman: EXCuse me? My hair looks much better than hers! And my boobs are real.

Irma: Sure…then who are you?

Emma: Emma Grace Frost, formerly The White Queen, The Homewrecker Queen, and currently, Emma-licious. (Irma blinks) I'm a super hero from the X-Men.

Irma: Oh. Then if you're a superhero, what are you doing down here?

Emma: Some pesky fanfiction writer keeps sending me down here. What's her name…strap-on-phoenix or something…

(Emma looks up to see that Irma and the rest of W.I.T.C.H. and Co. are already gone)

Sadam: **YOU LOST ME CUSTOMERS**!

Emma: I did not! Look, here comes the chick from Dirty Dancing!

**Xaviers…**

Six Zillion Sirens: (go off)

Stray: Dammit! Those are the six zillion sirens for dimension hoppers!

Nightcrawler: Dude, ve live here and ve don't even know that!

Claire: I guess that's our cue to leave!

Stray: So long, guys! Say hi to Jean for me before she dies again!

Scott: We will…(cough, undertone)…not!

Stray + Claire: Heard that!

Shadowcat: But, what will we, like, do when they show up?

Claire: Besides swoon over the hotness of Caleb? Don't tell them where we're going next!

Stray: (with Claire running out front door) Where _are_ we going next?


	4. Nerissa and More Phobos

**_Phobos_**

Throw him a Powderpuff Girl's themed birthday party.  
Clap and cheer when he ties his own shoes.  
Paint 'Phobos is the bestest!' over the entrance to the palace.  
Take him to see a four hour ballet  
Keep him awake by regularly kicking the back of his chair  
Convince him to take a leisure carriage ride through the countryside in Elyon's pink carriage.  
…after you tip off the rebels  
Buy him a hot pink Gameboy.  
Be sure to give it to him with the W.I.T.C.H. game in it.  
Inform him that he's playing it all wrong when he keeps making Caleb jump off a cliff.  
Hide all the toilet paper in the castle. Blame Raythor.  
Switch his 'fairy dust' with Pixie Stix  
Tell him you thought it always tasted like strawberries.  
Inform him that Cedric and Miranda have been snogging in his throne room  
Knit him a sweater.  
Whenever a Lurden passes by, say, "Watch out for the Orcs, Legolas!"

_**Nerissa**_

Play Keep-Away with her seal  
Dangle the Heart in front of her while she's tied down  
Tease her that Will's gonna give her back the Heart  
Tell her your grandmother would've made a better Keeper of the Heart than her  
Insist everyone can tell her boobs are implants  
Give her a novelty mug that reads "Mom of the Year!"  
Teach her to surf  
Tell everyone her hair is a wig ("The Mage was bald, remember? BALD!")  
Set her up on a blind date with Phobos  
Be sure to follow with a video camera  
Get "I'll Put a Spell On You" from Hocus Pocus stuck in her head  
Dye her hair bubble-gum pink  
Ask her how old she is whenever she least expects it ("You're son is so cute! How old are you?")  
Remind her that she owes Kadma money on a fifty year old bet.  
Buy her a pet venomous snake. Tell her you can see the resemblance.

* * *

Thought Process: Chapter 4

Claire: Hm...the world of Alagaesia from the Inheritance trilogy?

Stray: (suspiciously) You wouldn't happen to have a crush on anyone there, would you?

Claire: (sheepishly while hiding cell phone & making sure it's shut) Of course not...

**With the Witch Co. Arriving at The Xavier Institute  
**Phobos: Well, now where have they gone, oh smart one?

Taranee: Let me see...(uses telepathy) I got zip

Will: Well, where else could they go? They've already tried going to LOST Island-

Aldarn: Which turned out to be Gilligan's Island, for them...

Taranee: PPTH...any ideas?

Hay Lin: (after a minute) Yeah, I got nothing.

Irma: (off topic) Why couldn't you guys have let me stay with that cute Australian?!

Cedric: Oh, get over it!

Caleb: Irma, I can't really see you with that pretty boy.

(If Claire were hearing this conversation...) Claire: Chase is not a pretty boy!

Irma: (thinking out loud) Maybe Sawyer's still following us...

Taranee: (points at X-Men) Maybe we can ask these odd spandex clad people.

**Somewhere in Alagaesia...  
**Stray: So...none of this really looks familiar...

Claire: We're in Alagaesia! You know, the Inheritance trilogy; Eragon and Eldest...

Stray: Oh...and we're in the middle of nowhere why?

Claire: (slightly evil smile) I've got a plan. We'll just have to sit here for a while...

**Xaviers**...  
Will: (recounting the epic so far)...and then we ran out and found you guys here. Have you seen them?

X-Men: (look at each other and blink in confusion)

Kitty: (totally off topic, swooning over Caleb) Wow! He, like, _**is**_ really hot!

(Cornelia wraps up Kitty in vines which she merely phases through)

Scott: (still talking to Will) Surprisingly this is **not** the most bizarre thing I've heard in my life. And that's saying something. I think they said something about Australia...

(In foreground, Kitty blows raspberry at Cornelia and phases instantly as Cornelia throws several items at her with her telekinesis)

Phobos: (ignoring catfight) They already went to Australia!

Taranee: Maybe it was Alaska?

(Cornelia throws green burst of magic at Kitty which makes her tangible and then football tackles her)

Rouge: No, no, no…maybe it was Afghanistan?

Voice: They're going to Alagaesia.

(Everyone except Cornelia and Kitty who are still going at it turn to top of stairs where little blonde girl is standing)

Irma: Who are you?

Layla: My name is Layla Miller. I have the power to advance slow moving plot lines!

Hay Lin: (blinks) Really?

Scott: According to Matt Gardner anyway. And still not the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

(Drake finally musters up some balls and goes to separate Cornelia and Kitty who are now wrestling on the floor)

Nightcrawler: (checks watch) Oh, jhit! Ve gotta be dere when Jean comes back or else she's blow the planet to smitherines!

Storm: You better be going to Alagasheesha-

Layla: Alagaesia!

Storm: -before you loose them again.

Will: Thanks for your help! (They depart, Drake and Caleb dragging a very unhappy Cornelia with messed up hair)

Scott: (turns to Layla) How did you know that they were going there?

Layla: (holds up Eragon book) Found it in Wolverine's room

Scott: Really? Well that _**is**_ the most bizarre thing I've ever heard

**Alagaesia**...  
Stray: (hiding off path) We've been sitting here for an hour!

Claire: (hiding off path) Shh! It's time for my plan.

Eragon & Murtagh: (come riding down the trail)

Claire: (stares at Murtagh dreamily)

Stray: Oh, for the love of...(pulls Claire onto path with her)

Eragon: What the- ?!

Stray: Listen, we could really use your help.

Eragon: (to Murtagh) Who are these people?

Murtagh: (shudders slightly) Fan fiction writers.

Claire: It's Murtagh!

Murtagh: (raises eyebrows)

Stray: (to Claire) Isn't there some fandom where you have no crushes?!

Claire: Wait, I gotta think...none that I can think of.

Murtagh: Why should we help you? You'll probably put us with some Mary Sues or something.

Stray: No, we don't write for your fandom.

Claire: Oh, I do!

Sun: (sitting in Claire's house reading that copy of the Inheritance trilogy) Hey, you write it with me!

Stray: (to Claire) Shut up! (to boys) Listen, we just need to get somewhere safe to lie low for a while.

Eragon: Why?

Claire: The characters of a TV show/comic book series are hunting us down.

Murtagh: What's in it for us?

Stray & Claire: (think)

Claire: Oh, I've got an idea!

Stray: The idea is?

Claire: Sun & I will reveal what's up with the drunken dwarves association!

Sun: (at Claire's) We will?

Stray, Murtagh & Eragon: You will?

Claire: (smiling) Yep!

Stray: Wait, huh?

Claire: Sun & I's story for their fandom.

Stray: Oh.

Murtagh: Wait, how'd you get that information?

Claire: Tortured Kate until she told me. Surprisingly, if you tease her enough about Jesse McCartney, she'll tell you anything.

Eragon: So...you're one of the writers of that story?

Claire: Why else would my name be Claire?

Murtagh: Duh, Eragon.

Stray: So, will you help us?

Boys: Hm...

**Arriving in Alagaesia…  
**Cornelia: I was winning too and you know it!

Caleb: Don't worry, she not my type. I usually go for red heads or blondes.

Will and Co.: (stop in their tracks) WHAT?!

Caleb: (realizing what he's just implied) I mean…um…I love you?

Cornelia: (punches him really hard)

Matt: What if that creepy blonde girl was wrong? Where do we go from here?

Aldarn: Where the hell have you been! You've been MIA since chapter two!

Matt: Had a gig so I went back home.

Will: (glaring) You put your _music _over avenging the people who are annoying us to near _insanity?!_

Matt: Um…I love you?

Will: (punches Matt with lightning)

Matt: (rubbing arm in pain) Well they haven't annoyed _me_…

**In a nearby cave…  
**Stray: (snickering) …yet

Claire: Yeah, that'll be fun. (whips out a laptop) Now, what could we do for him?

Eragon: What the hell is that?

Stray: It's...uh...

Claire: It's called a laptop. Please don't make me explain it.

Murtagh: Crap. Empire soldiers are coming.

Eragon: Now what do we do?

Claire: We stand and fight you sissy. Can I borrow your bow and arrows?

Eragon: (shrugs and hands over his bow and quiver)

Claire: Sweet! Let's kick some Empire butt!

Stray: What the hell is wrong with you?

Claire: (smiles and whispers) One, who wouldn't go for the chance to fight alongside of Murtagh? Two, I like bows and arrows. (normal voice) Let's go!

Murtagh + Claire: (walk outside and begin to kick some Empire butt)

Stray: And people think I'm crazy...

Claire: (shouting) We still do!

(Murtagh and Claire defeat the Empire soldiers)

Murtagh: (tries to strike a victorious pose but finds he can't due to the fact that Claire has latched herself to his ankles)

Claire: (sighing) You're so beautiful...and strong...

Murtagh: (under breath to Eragon) How did I agree to this again?

Claire: 'Cause Kate told me about the DDA!

Murtagh: Right, now about the Drunken Dwarves Association...

Stray: (grabs Claire's arm) W.i.t.c.h. plus cast at ten o'clock.

Claire: Your ten or my ten?

Stray: Doesn't matter. RUN!

Claire: But...but...Murtagh.

Eragon: Don't worry. You'll see him in your fic. Say hi to Sun for me!

Claire: Goodbye my love!

Stray: Less talking, more running!

Claire: Well, now where do we go?

Stray: (low voice) Oh, I'd say somewhere magical...somewhere where people with magic can back us up...

Claire: …Disneyland?

Stray: More British, less people in cartoon suits…_hotter_ magic if you get my drift

Claire: Oh! Now I know what you mean…


End file.
